…almost! alle 2 monate werde ich beauftragt eine kleine kolumne für den newsletter meiner gemeinde zu schreiben.  die ereignisse der letzten wochen sind dort alle vertreten:

Driving in California

I have never owned a driver´s licence and I was never really interested in getting one. Until I came to California. Since then I´ve been taking driving lessons and it It looks as if they have paid off:

On a relatively early Friday morning four lovely companions and myself set off to the Walker Creek Ranch in Petaluma for a weekend we were about to share with other GLBT Jews, partners and families during Nehirims West-coast retreat. A retreat, which according to it´s advertising video (check out Nehirim´s website on nehirim.org) promised every potential participator to enter a place “where you can be your whole self”.

Even though I have been to road-trips before, this particular journey was about to become the very first one for me to be mostly spent behind the steering wheel, navigating the car through
California´s freeways with four other passengers and my driver´s permit in the glove compartment.

Who knew that such a small change of place from passenger-seat to driver´s-seat could have such an impact on my own state of mind?

Well, it would have probably been more surprising if I wouldn´t have been filled with that higher state of alertness that is expected from a driver, but what really surprised me was the sense of pride, joy and satisfaction that overcame me while I was handling the car. With my driver´s permit I was just a step further towards being independent and it felt quite fantastic.

My new place behind the wheel reminded me of a teaching from the Babylonian Talmud: Change of Place, Change of Luck (Meshane makom, meshane mazal / ???? ???? ???? ???). It made me smile, as it applied perfectly to my own little situation.

On the night before my road-trip, I was trying to come up with a column for the newest G´vanim edition but wasn´t succesful. Looking at my calendar, it seemed almost impossible to pick out just one event to focus on. What would my column be about? About Israel´s independence-day? About Shavuot? About Pride Shabbat? About my installation? Or maybe about BCC´s Humanitarian Awards?Brunch? Or maybe I should just focus on the Nehirim retreat in Petaluma? Such an agglomerated load of festivity, joy, pride and self-confidence within 2 months felt overwhelming.

Back in the car, I kept on thinking about what I could write about. I thought about Shavuot,

how, after counting seven weeks of the Omer, the completion of the liberation-process of the Jewish people is celebrated: from a bunch of people who are released to an unknown journey in the desert after being slaves in Egypt – to a people who discover their human potential by receiving and observing a set of rules, tools and values for life, as embodied in the Thora.

And how, paradoxically, the liberation-process is never-ever completed, since it is celebrated over and over again with each year-cycle. While I was in the car I thought about my own personal set of values and rules. Have I found them? Are they different from last year? Are they strong enough to allow me to find and live out my potential? Is it that lived-out potential, that assurance of knowing who you are, that essentially leads to real internal independence?

Like the commandments given to the people of Israel on mount Sinai as a tool for completing the process of liberation, I was wondering about my own tools that have helped me to reach the places I´ve reached over the years.

On the road to Petaluma, while I was trying to trace down my own set of tools, I stumbled upon a story I once read about the very first dove on earth. It´s being told that this dove was created without any wings – just a tiny feathered creature. Wingless as is was, the little bird came before God and complained: “I have no sharp teeth, no hoofs, nothing to protect myself from big animals. I can´t even run away with my tiny little feet! They way you´ve created me is not fair!” And God listened and promised to compensate the dove.

Right after God´s intervention, the dove came back and complained ever bitterly: “I already had a difficult time before your little upgrade, but now that you´ve given me these huge two bulges on my back it´s even more difficult for me to escape from my enemies!”

No one really knows the dove´s reacted when God replied:”Well, all you have to do is to spread these wings and fly!”

Somewhere on the Interstate 5 I had to smile again, because it occured to me that just like the dove, all the things that seemed heavy and obstructive to me were actually a blessing. I could use them as a tool to rise to a higher ground, to get closer to a better sense of freedom and indenpendence. What a great timing for that insight, I thought to myself, what a gift to discover and to be aware of just in time before all of these joyous events that were ahead of me!

Our journey to Petaluma didn´t take us 7 weeks, but only 7 hours. We drove and drove, at times we talked and at times we were silent, sometimes the roads were windy and sometimes they seemed to follow and endless straight axis. When we arrived I was looking forward to the challenges of the unknown and the potential uncomfortableness that tends to accompany it. When Israel´s fireworks for it´s 62^nd independence day were setting off, I was already on my way back to Los Angeles, carrying not only a re-enforced state of pride and independence, not only a step forward towards being my „whole-self“, but also a great curiosity about what the upcoming events in my own – and in BCC´s life would bring with them. Like going on a road-trip, I felt like I could not wait to see what was coming next.

die woche, in der zumindest in meiner jetzigen gemeinde eine gedenkveranstaltung an die ermordeten und verletzten jugendlichen aus tel-aviv stattfand, habe ich in atlanta verbracht.  in dieser zeit meines neuen lebensabschnitts werde ich so vielen sachen ausgesetzt, dass es mir nicht leicht fällt mich zu fokussieren. von meinem privatleben ganz zu schweigen. aber ich lerne sehr viel hier. viel über mich. es scheint als werde ich besonders in der zeit vor den hohen feiertagen dazu gezwungen mich mit meinen eher düsteren seiten zu beschäftigen und es ist nicht immer angenehm.  warum habe ich wohl nie hier in meinem blog erwähnt, daß die jüdische gemeinde für die ich arbeite die erste schwul-lesbische gemeinde der welt ist? warum habe ich mich nie dazu bekannt? zu lange habe ich mich von ängsten leiten lassen und seit gestern nacht habe ich mich entschlossen mich zu bessern. wie oft habe ich mich beim lügen ertappt, beim verbiegen der wahrheit aus scham, beim sabotieren meines eigenen glücks. wie oft habe ich vorgegeben jemand zu sein, der ich nicht bin? zu oft. zu lange. ich weiss, ich bin hier nicht sonderlich konkret. vielleicht schreibe ich später rein, warum und wieso mich diese gedanken plötzlich packen. ich dachte nur, dass ein veröffentlichen meiner absichten ein erster schritt in die richtige richtung ist. ich werde mein bestes tun mir selber treu zu bleiben.

Naja, vom wirklichen Winter kann in Jerusalem noch nicht die Rede sein. Von Depression schon. Nach 6 Jahren problemloser Zusammenarbeit entschloss sich mein Laptop in einem tiefen Winterschlaf zu versinken. Und seit einigen Tagen will er nicht mehr aufwachen. So langsam vermisse ich meine Dateien auf der Festplatte. Ich hoffe, mein Laptop wacht wieder auf. Und sonst.. die Uni hat wieder begonnen, endlich mal eine Woche ohne Feiertagsunterbrechung und es waere alles schoen und gut, wenn ich mir nicht wie der totale Laie vorkommen wuerde, wenn ich mit den restlichen KantorstudentInnen Blattsinguebungen mache. Bin im Jammermodus und hoffe, dass es sich bald aendert. Meine Wohnung ist auch nicht der Hit, bzw. die Mitbewohner. Damit meine ich hauptsaechlich 2 Katzen die mal auf meinem Bett, mal vor meinem Zimmer und mal in der Kueche vor sich hin pinkeln. Macht keinen Spass. Die Nachbarn vom Erdgeschoss haben seit Jahren einen Streit und beschmutzen um die Wette den Haupteingang. Macht auch keinen Spass.
Ich habe Privatstunden bei wirklich guten Lehrern. Repertoire und Chorleitung. Das macht viel Spass und fordert. Yippie.

Mitte dieser Woche feiern die Rabbinerstudenten eine Halloweenparty (like, whatever)… Soll ich hin? oder vielleicht doch zum Konzert von Korin Allall?

Ich vermisse Berlin. Und Los Angeles. Haette ich nicht gedacht.

das leben ist kurz und jedes ende birgt einen anfang. hier also ein kleiner aufmunterer für alle trennungsgeschädigten: